Where's the Romance??

I'm a very independent person, I don't like to rely on others all that much. I know I can take care of myself, but apparently when it comes to dating, that can give the wrong impression.

So let me say this:

Just because I'm independent, and can take care of myself, doesn't mean that I don't like to be cherished, complimented, and being treated like a princess.

I went out with a guy recently that was so complimentary, and so attentive to me....it made me realize how much I missed that, and how good it made me feel. (He has of course disappeared like most guys recently)
I think that because I do make it very aware that I am independent, guys think that I don't like romantic things. But you know what, deep down, I'm a total romantic! I LOVE that kind of thing! I enjoy being treated like a princess, and thought of as important in someone's life.

So if you're a guy that wants to date me, get to know me, please remember that just because I'm independent, doesn't mean I don't like romance!! (Oh, and Chivalry is a WONDERFUL thing - this is why I like Southern Boys!!)

Just when you thought you were ok....

Wow, I thought I was back to my normal self. I very quickly learned last night that apparently I'm not. It's amazing how quickly things can unravel.

I was so happy, I was having so much fun, and I was feeling like myself again. I had even decided it was ok for me to like someone again. Apparently I let myself go too quickly.

Where do I start? So I got wrapped up in liking someone, probably more than I should of (but hell, he said the same thing)...I thought things were going very well, and we were very much on the same page as to where things were headed. He was even coming to visit me for the weekend. The countdown we had going was great, he even sent me my favorite flowers with the simple message "two more weeks." SO SWEET!! Well the day he's supposed to get here, I find out he's decided he's not coming. The only explanation, his excitement just wasn't there anymore.

What a way to start the weekend huh?? Oh, but it doesn't stop there.....

Of course to keep my mind off of the fact that I didn't have my guy come visit, I went out last night. I haven't been at the bar very long and I get a text message from my ex saying he was there. First words out of my mouth..."Are you freaking kidding me?!?!" We still talk, but we don't hang out anymore, and I haven't seen him out since we broke up. He did come up and talk to me, and it was good to see him, but at the same time it also made me miss him all over again. Needless to say, I did a complete 180 and was definitely not myself for the rest of the night. I didn't even dance, and if you know me, I love to dance!

Oh well....like I said, just when you thought you were ok......

The count down begins....

Ok, so I mentioned one of the boys that I've been talking to does not live in AZ, and that we were to take a trip to Vegas soon. Well unfortunately we had to push that trip back a couple weeks. But the countdown begins! Two weeks from tomorrow!
The more minute part of this, he may just come here to Phoenix instead! YEAH!! :-)

So apparently my writing here has also come back to bite me in the butt. One of the great guys that I have been talking to here in town came across this blog, and was not so happy to see my glowing reviews of my Oklahoma boy. I can't say I blame him, I probably wouldn't like seeing something like that either, but when it comes right down to it...He and I just met. Maybe I'm being harsh here, but we did only go out a few times. Does that mean I don't like him? No. Does that mean he's a bad guy, or I'm not interested? No. It means that I'm single, and shouldn't have to make a snap decision.

Ok, so continuing with updates....This last relationship really left me jaded. When you have a relationship end, seemingly for no reason, it's hard to not blame yourself, and feel like you're just never going to meet some one. That's what I've been going through ever since my ex and I broke up. I knew I needed to get out there, have fun, and meet new people, and that's what I've done. But I've very much got it in my head that I don't want another relationship, I don't want to go through the hurt and anguish that I've gone through after my last two break-ups. It just hasn't seemed worth setting myself up for that kind of hurt again. The building up and tearing down of a relationship can definitely be rough.

Well.....I've gotta say that thought is quickly flying out the window. The more I talk to my Oklahoma boy, the more I realize that there is someone out there who can be what I'm looking for. Someone who has those ideals of the perfect relationship, who is willing to give as much as I am... Has the politeness, manners, and respect of a Southerner...The more we talk, the more I learn about him, the more I like about him, and start to think that this is something definitely worth trying. Distance sucks, don't get me wrong, BUT the nice thing is that the distance forces us to truly get to know each other. There's none of the "acting" or "posturing" that we all do when you have those first few dates. There's just sheer honesty. Perhaps that's why we don't seem to have any qualms about talking the way that we do, and saying the things that we do. It's an amazing change, and a wonderful change to speak to someone, and have potential with someone that is so willing to share their feelings with me.

I can't stop smiling.... :-)

Back in the Saddle Again

Ok....I AM BACK!!!


This whole blog was started the last time I was single, sharing my experiences going out with my friends, new boys, and everything in between. Well I've re-joined the single world, and I'm already out there having a blast.

I've always been proud to have no regrets in my life, and to have learned from everything that happens in my life. I'm back in a place where I am ready to take care of myself again, and put myself first again....and just make me happy.

For the first time in a long time, I'm actually talking to some very stable guys. I'm excited to know some guys that have so many of the same views that I do when it comes to stability and relationships. Does this mean I'm ready to jump back into being in a relationship.... no, not yet... Do I ever eliminate that option, no....but it's just one of those things that just happens

There's one guy that I've been talking to lately that is just great. Unfortunately, he doesn't live in AZ....but we're getting ready to go visit Vegas! :-) Who knows what will happen, but at this point, I'm just thrilled to get to hang out with another huge Braves fan, and he's a Southern boy! :-) Gotta love it!

Time for A Change?

True Friends...

I've always prided myself on being able to be a chameleon...I can get along with just about anyone, and fit in with just about any crowd. I think that's a great trait to have, but at the same time I think it's also made it very hard to find true friends that can really identify with every part of me, and my life.

Don't get me wrong, I love the friends that I have....they are great! Each of them has part of my life that they fit into perfectly, and help me in. Lately though I just haven't felt as though I fit into any area, or with any group that I'm around. Because of that, my patience, and tolerance for the little quirks that make one person fine with one group, but not another. I just can't handle the attitudes, and the way people act some times. These things are now driving me absolutely nuts, and make me think that I don't belong hanging out with these friends at all.

I wonder, am I growing up, am I finally figuring out exactly who I am, and where I should be going in my life? Or am I just going through this super bitchy time in my life? I know that part of this stems from me realizing that I'm really not happy with my job...and that's making me consider making some very big changes. Mainly, picking up my life, and moving...I'm strongly considering moving back to the south, and living in Atlanta. Unfortunately only ONE of my friends has had a positive reaction to this....she told me that she thought this could be an amazing opportunity for me to finally get all the things that I really want to accomplish in my career and in my life. So I'm starting to venture that way....but it's been difficult, especially with most of my friends having such a negative reaction to my idea.....But who knows, maybe this change will not only bring about new opportunites, but new friends.

Well I want to end this on a positive note... I do have one friend that does know every part of me, and fits in every part of my life....I think she put it the best when she said to me "we keep each other sane, we ground each other." Even though she's on the other side of the world - those times we get to talk or email really become my saving grace, and remind me that I'm not totally lost. So, Audrey, thank you!!


(and to my friends here at home....I still love you, I'm just going through a rough time right now...)

Is this really what guys want?!?!

I've gotta say, I'm a little concerned with the world today. I was browsing around Amazon.com for some new books (100 people who are ruining america, and Bias to be exact), and I came across the book: "Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl-A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship" (Whew, long title).

According to this book, men are looking for the elusive aloof woman. A woman who doesn't show her true feelings, a woman that isn't willing to give her all, a woman who won't do things for her man. (ok so I took it to a bit of an extreme there, but that's the general idea).

GUYS?!?! Is this REALLY what y'all are looking for?? I can't speak for everyone in the world, but I was raised to do those kinds of things for everyone, friends and boyfriends. Granted when it comes to a boyfriend I tend to give even more, but still... If this is what the men in our world are looking for...y'all can have 'em! I'm more than happy to stay single.... I'm just not void of emotion.

Learning to Let Go...

So we are now two weeks past the official break up.... and every time I think I'm feeling better, something happens to make me revert back to thinking about my ex, remembering happy times with him, wishing I was with him, make me sad, or just to miss him.

Apparently he's going along just fine. Partying, having fun, and just going about his life like nothing happened. Meanwhile I'm doing some of those things (partying, having fun), but defintiely not going on like nothing happened. If only it were so easy to just let everything go like that...but here we are only two weeks out...how could I just let it all go that easily?

Timing is everything

Timing really is everything isn't it? It's amazing how time can either make something perfect, or make something absolutely horrible. Think about it....the difference of a second can mean winning a gold medal, or being involved in a car accident. Unfortunately the same thing relates to relationships as well.

Most people know that in order to be happy in a relationship, you must first be happy with yourself. Unfortunately my (now ex) boyfriend is going through a time where he is not happy with himself, and his life. I don't think there's just one thing that has made him unhappy, but he is, and unfortunately because of that, we aren't together anymore.

So what does timing have to do with that? Well, our relationship was great (not perfect, but what is? everyone has rough days). We were comfortable in any situation, and had fun doing anything together. We could be partying our ass off, or just relaxing at home, and we'd be having great conversation, lauging, and just generally having a wonderful time. If you talked to anyone around us, we were THAT couple. Unfortunately our timing must be off...he's not happy in life, and needs to find a way to get his life the way he wants it. The sacrifice being, we're not together.

Needless to say, this week has been extremely rough. It's hard to let go of a love, when there's nothing seemingly wrong with your relationship. Even harder, because you care, you both want to still be friends, be in contact, help one another. I know, I'm probably making it all worse, but it just seems worth it...

Timing really is everything, and some times everything lines up except one thing, and that one thing can throw everything else off.

Better off alone?

Ok, so there are definitely times where I want to be by myself. Or want it just be me and Digby relaxing at the house. The silence is nice. But would you stop a relationship with someone because you're stressed about life? I'm being confronted with this as we speak. My wonderful boyfriend has recently had a few hiccups in his life, and is becoming increasingly irritated with some of the things that have happened in his life, and this in turn has him taking a step back from our relationship. He says he needs time to just be alone, and deal with things.... Trust me, I'm fine and understand that, but not to the extent of considering ending the relationship. Personally when I go through tough times, I want to be around people who are supportive, and care about me. Maybe not all the time, but definitely to make myself feel better. It seems odd that he would just shut everyone out.

Trust

So I don't know what has come over me, but apparently trust has become a hard thing for me. Maybe I'm dealing with a huge bout of insecurity, but lately I've been horrible to my boyfriend. We're together proably about 90% of the time when we're not working, but for some reason I have these times where I just can't get my mind in the right place, and I think something else is going on. My gut is almost always right, and deep down I know he's not doing anything wrong. So why am I creating this controversy??

It's official

I'm so excited!! So although my guy and I have been dating, or seeing each other for about 4 months, and been in relationship mode for just over a month. We decided to finally make it official. Last night we finally got to the point where we are comfortable using titles with one another. So he is now officially my boyfriend, and I can finally be introduced as the girlfriend.

I know, I don't need the title, but you know what it's nice. There's an added comfort level there. The fact that it's official almost adds some validity to it.

Environmentalism Bad For the Environment?

Every once and a while I see an article where a celebrity supports a certian cause, and it makes me wonder, what does all that money they make go to use for? They make millions of dollars a day, why can't they PAY someone to research what they support.

Take today for instance, and the upcoming Live 8 Concert. Foxnews.com did an article (http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,160555,00.html) regarding how the aid that's raised by this concert won't actually help Africa at all. The main reason is because most of the artists supporting Live 8 are also supporters of Greenpeace. Greenpeace is very active in discouraging the use of DDT, and other pesticides that could very well save the people, crops, and economy of Africa. Without the use of these products, most likely Africa will remain in its depleated state for eternity. So why don't these celebrities have someone research these things for them before being so vocal in support of the opposition.

This isn't the first time that environmentalism has hurt our environment though. Arizona is experiencing how that becomes true right now. After the devestating wildfires we have experienced over the past two summers, many people advocated clearing the underbrush, or "trash" of the forests. This "trash" dries out every summer and becomes kindling for any extra heat found within the forests during the summer. Many supported cleaning our forests, but environmentalists took their fight to the top and got the Governor to agree with them, ensuring a long and I'm sure devastating wildfire season again this summer.

Leading different lives

*this post has nothing to do with dating*

I lead a very chameleon-like life. I have several distinct groups of friends, that if people from one group were to see me with another, they would probably ask "who is that? That can't be Jessica." Now don't get me wrong some friends transcend the different groups, but for the most part, they are pretty different.

There is a difference between having this chameleon-like life, and living a life of hypocrisy though. I've seen people recently that lead lives where one side of them literally condemns their other side. This doesn't seem right. (Yes I'm referring to religion here) I am a Catholic, and I know that I do not live my life the way that I should in the eyes of the church, but the great thing about being a Catholic is I can ask for forgiveness, be truly sorry, and be seen as clean in God's eyes. I've been bothered lately by seeing people criticize the way others live, when they too, do the same things. They are out there living lives of sin, and then criticizing their friends that do the same things because those acts are seen as un-Christian.

I have one piece of advice for these people: BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF. How does the saying go? People who live in glass houses...

Fear of the unknown

Ok, so I was, and still am fine with being in a relationship with no real definition. If that's the case, how come as soon as it was admitted that there is a relationship I turned into some jealous girl? Ok, not jealous, but overly curious. I think it's because now there's something at stake here. Before I was fine, enjoying my time with this guy, and just letting the time go, but now it's like there's something to lose, so everything worries me. It's so not me!

I've never had a problem with this guy's female friends, and for the most part, I still don't. Hell I've met most of them, and they're super cool, great girls, and I don't care if he hangs out with them. I guess the "fear," curiosity, etc comes from the fear of the unknown. The girls that I don't know anything about are the ones that make me sit up and say "hey what's going on here?" I know, I'm being overly sensitive here, and definitely overly analytical. I mean, why be with me if there's someone else he'd rather be with right. Will all my sensible friends please help put me back in my place here? I'm being an idiot!

Learning to let go

I realized it has been a REALLY long time since I wrote in my blog, and I realized it's because I've been happy, and had no gripes about the dating world. So I figured I'd give a little update... I'm learning that not everything has to be defined in a relationship. It's taken some time for me to get used to, but I've learned that if "it ain't broke, don't fix it." I've been dating this guy for a few months now, and it's been going great. I've been struggling with learning that I need to accept that we spend a lot of time together, and we have a great time together, it doesn't need to be defined as something specific.

I have a friend that is going through something similar, so we're learning that we have to realize we have something good, why does it have to be defined as something specific? Sometimes you just don't need a definition, just good feelings :-)

How old Am I?

So here I am 25 years old, acting like a high school girl. Granted in HS I didn't have sleep overs with the opposite sex, but some how I'm around a guy now that has turned me into this little high school girl. I've never had a problem being forward with a guy, or letting them know what I want....but for some reason, when I'm with this guy, I'm this shy girl that can't let him know how much she really likes him. So the question is now what do I do, or how do I get out of this shyness?

Side Note

Ok so we had a YR outing at a Spring Training game on Sunday. There were beautiful men all around sunning themseleves.... not one of the beautiful men was a YR. This is just further proof that my next viable date is not at a YR meeting ;-)

Tired of Analyzing

So you date a really great guy... how many genuinely nice guys are there out there, not many right? I

It figures that I would meet one of them, start to like him, and then have him say "I'm just a bit confused on what I want in life, and I'm not really looking for any committments right now." Well I'm not either, but does that mean that we can't continue down the same casual path we're on now?

I mean dating by definition is casual isn't it? We weren't spending every waking moment together, we got together once or twice a week. Oh well, so now on my end it seems akward, I hate it when one person takes control of the "relationship." (I put quotes since it's not technically a relationship).

I'm not going to analyze anymore... just going to try to go with the flow.

Charitable Donations??

So Slate Magazine just released their list of the top 60 people who give. The people who have donated the most money during the 2004 year. I went through the list (http://www.slate.com/id/2112691/) and the top 3 people gave to their own foundations. Now to me that shouldn't really count as a chairitable donation. Why? Everyone knows that you can create a foundation in your own name to keep from being taxed on that huge amount of money that you just inherited, earned, whatever. It's not to say that these foundations don't do some good, but I don't think that these should be considered the top givers of 2004 just because they know how to avoid paying taxes on their large sums of money....

Phoenix the worst city for Dating??

Ok so I'm a little behind the eight ball on this one, but someone just reminded me.

A recent AOL.com poll showed that Phoenix was named the worst city for dating. Well the day this information was released a few girlfriends and I decided to grace a Republican Singles event put on by local Radio Hosts Liddy & Hill (KFYI 550AM 4-7pm). Now this isn't something we normally do, but we love the radio show and decided to go. Amongst my girlfriends (ones at the events and those who were not there), the concensus was the same, that Phoenix is a horrible place to date!!

Here's my take: Phoenix and Scottsdale are as we all know, all about appearences. So everyone is all about putting on a show. Especially our beloved $30,000 millionaires...you've all seen them, they talk about all the money they have, etc, but in actuality - they are barely getting by, and probably living with their mom and dad. So basically you have both men & women just out to impress, so you rarely get to meet a REAL person. Now don't get me wrong, I've been out and met some pretty cool people, but they are definitely few and far between.

Which leads us to the next question... so people are all about putting on a show out at bars/clubs... then where do you meet your next viable date?

Spring is here!!

I know what you're thinking, it's February, it's not spring! But, the defining feature of spring has come, pitchers and Catchers reported to camp this week!! This means that Spring Training is just around the corner.

My girlfriends and I are basically holding our breath till Spring Training begins... That means taking the afternoon off work to go feel the sun on our faces at the many spring training facilities around Phoenix, or spending a relaxing Saturday at the fields around the city, enjoying the heart of baseball...the newbies trying to make the roster!

Really, we are lucky to live in Phoenix and live amongst the Cactus league. We have some great teams that come through our great state. Granted my favorite team is a member of the Grapefruit league, but really, baseball is baseball! We've spent a cold winter watching football, basketball, and well normally I'd say hockey, but we all know that hasn't happened. ... we've waited patiently, and what better way is there to kick off the season than with some great spring training games?!?

I'm rambling here.... see y'all at the ball park!!

Those little Butterflies

Wow, I just realized I haven't posted anything in a while.

First off, thank you to everyone who has been contributing their quotes, and their thoughts on the perfect man / woman... keep it up!!

So for the first time in a long time I have those little butterflies. I can't remember the last time I was this excited about a guy. This guy is great though, cute, sweet, he can dance, just an all around good guy. I'll keep you posted :-)

What am I looking for? (Walking Contradiction, Part II)

So what do you look for in a man (or woman)?
(I've decided I really want this blog to be interactive)

I know that what I want from a man continues my life of irony. I want a guy that understands that I am a strong woman, I know what I want, what I want to accomplish, and that it takes hard work, and time to get where I want to be. I also want a guy that is protective and a little jealous. I know, that seems odd, but there's a fine line that separates good jealousy from bad jealousy. Here in lies my walking contradiction, I want him to be a little jealous, but I want him to also understand that I'm an independent woman with great friends, and a great job that sometimes requires me to be at work or events later than I would like. Someone that also has goals, or has accomplished some of the goals of his life. But I don't want a guy that does the exact same things as me, I need some differences in my life. OH, and a HUGE bonus, like baseball! (Anyone who knows me, knows my two passions are Atlanta Braves Baseball, and being a Republican...so if a guy has those two things, baseball and Republican, he's already got some awesome bonus points!)

Walking Contradiction

Ok so I've definitely figured out that I don't know what I want. How's that for the ultimate in irony?? I've figured out that I enjoy being single, AND I enjoy being with someone. I guess we all go through this at some point in life... and that time is also the time when you're waiting to meet "the one." I have great friends, we have a lot of fun, but it's always nice to have someone (i.e. a guy) there for you as well. (Yes, of course my friends are there for me). But yet I don't know that I'm ready to give up the single life of going out with friends, and meeting people out in the world as well. I guess that just means I'm not ready to settle down....